The Blog of Andrew Hunter

Animal, Vegetable or Welshman?

I haven’t always hated people from Wales. My House Master at boarding school was from the valleys and, even though we crossed swords a few times, he was still a great bloke. Ex-Wales fly half Neil Jenkins has also been an idol of mine, if not for his kicking ability, then his efforts breaking out of the RWH cryogenics department and somehow straying onto a rugby pitch in Cardiff. But, as I sit here typing these words, I’ve developed a hate for the welsh. This is all due to one person. Meet Stuart Evans…

Stuart is a fellow processor. He is from Swansea, he’s 26 and he smells like the dried meat department of a French supermarket. Now, I’ve never been very good with bad smells. I’ve been sick in my mouth and forced to swallow a number of times when changing cat litter or using the restroom after Chris Danby. So, as you can imagine, I’ve been keeping my distance since Monday. Unfortunately, evasive efforts crumbled this morning when he came to speak to me. Not only does he smell terrible, his face looks like it recently caught on fire and the flames could only be extinguished with a large shovel. He is a hideous individual and I’m not ashamed to say this. I spoke to him for the best part of 5 minutes. Here is a highlight of our conversation:

‘Do you like football?’
‘Yes, I…’
‘Me. I had a trial for Aberystwyth ya know. Would have got through but the selection was rigged ya see. Do you play sport?
‘Well, actually….’
'Na, I bet you don’t. Ya don’t look like a sportsman. Ya seem a bit lanky for it.
No offence ya know. Not typing very fast are you? I’m a 90 words per minute man. Like shit off a shovel. Is that vimto your drinking? Give us a swig….'

What a knob.

And to make matters worse during his spiel he was lightly dusting me with saliva. So now I’m slightly moist, my cubicle smells like arse and from the looks of things I’ll be spending the afternoon pulling pieces of sweetcorn out of my hair.

I am very depressed.

Posted by andrew at February 26, 2004 06:24 AM