Deanne's Blog

Relationship study

This is an article I saw online. It is about staying a loving couple while having children but I think it most certainly applies to those without kids. Anyway, I think it is good relationship advice and something to think about when balancing you life, again with or without kids.

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American parents shoot ourselves in the foot by making our children the center of our universe. And we certainly don't help our kids, either.

Child-centered families create anxious, exhausted parents and demanding, entitled kids who act out. Schools are overwhelmed by children's special needs and a spirit of community is draining from our neighborhoods. As these self-absorbed kids enter the workplace, America's global leadership and ability to compete will be seriously compromised.

But we can create healthy families and raise tomorrow's leaders if we focus on our marriages instead of our children.

In my pastoral counseling as an Episcopal minister, I share people's joy at their weddings and baptisms, as well as the agony of their divorces. Today I see more kids acting out, more parents turning to medication, and more single parents in serious financial difficulty.

The intact family is an endangered species. The odds a marriage will eventually end in divorce, according to studies at the John Gottman Institute, are cause for concern. For example, a couple married in 1950 had only a 30 percent chance of divorce, and couples married in 1970 had about a 50 percent chance of splitting. But a 1990 marriage has a 67 percent likelihood of ending, and the divorce rate continues to climb. People are losing faith in love.

As I visit so many households full of misery, I see good, committed couples with the best of intentions end up either fighting or fleeing each other, like wild animals. That flight-response seems to control much more of our behavior than we realize.

There are many subtle ways we avoid our spouses every day. Our distancing behaviors may include staying at work late, or switching on the TV, or making our children the center of our universe.

Most of us would never dream that putting our children before our marriage could be a flight response. We often believe we just don't have time for our spouse. But the truth is, we often feel more love for our kids than for our spouse. When two parents drift apart from each other, often one parent will drift closer to the kids.

We parents convince ourselves that putting our kids first is child-friendly, but we make two main mistakes by doing so.

First, it becomes harder to respect and enforce the boundaries that shape a child's character, so he simply badgers his parents until he gets his way. Future bosses and spouses may not be so patient with this behavior.

Second, we put tremendous pressure on our children to fulfill our emotional needs, which may lead to the child acting out. This draws even more attention to the problem, as parents anxiously seek a diagnosis and physicians increasingly rely on medicating children. What had been a molehill suddenly becomes a mountain, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy that can cripple the child's development and the future of our citizenry.

So here's the solution: To raise great kids, focus on your marriage. There are three keys to a successful marriage and family:

1) Recognize that we've already chosen the perfect spouse. No, we would NOT choose better next time;

3) Recognize that if we build a great marriage, we create a great role model for our kids, and they learn self-reliance and cooperation in the process.

As long as you believe your life is your spouse's fault, a new partner will always seem attractive. But once you begin to see your role in the ongoing, lifelong problems of your marriage, you'll recognize that if you started over with a new partner tomorrow, you'd still be carrying all your personal baggage into that relationship.

And that's where accepting our spouse creates a positive chain reaction. Commitment forces us to be more forgiving because we have given ourselves no choice but to work things out. It also forces us to be more outspoken and negotiate a relationship we can live with.

Thus, we can accept arguments as the natural storms they are, rather than as a harbinger of divorce. A nun once told me that marriage is like tying two donkeys together at the neck: All that rubbing together irritates the burrs on their flanks; but over the years, those burrs eventually rub off.

In the end, the greatest gift we can give our kids (and ourselves) is to become citizens of honor and loyalty in our own marriages. That way, our kids can grow up with a model of what marriage can be. The second bonus is that when kids are no longer the center of the family, they can learn self-reliance and cooperation, and become citizens instead of consumers.

Instead of trying to create perfect childhoods for our kids by making them the center of our universe, we should focus on creating a good marriage. Then the rest falls into place.

David Code is an Episcopal minister, family coach, and founder of the Center for Staying Married & Raising Great Kids.

Eww

Why do we do this? Yes it is real.

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Pundit Kitchen

Akshully, I like honesty :p

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Touchy shit rant

OK so heavy topic that a lot of people don't like discussing is abortion. And well, rightly so, it is a hard topic for anyone. That is the first thing to remember.

As far as in a political arena, the whole issue disgusts me and I think this is where almost everyone loses the point. It doesn't matter whether or not you agree with abortion, it is an issue of human rights... now don't lose me here because I am not meaning the baby or humanity.

In the US, we started as a country with people who wanted to think for themselves, separate from a monarchy or church or government. We started with the bill of rights, which was a HUGE controversy because many believed it would again be taking away rights from people and that they did not want or need protection.. that there was nothing to protect them against. Well it passed and was a bit of a conundrum so number 9 was added to protect people from the government and well the existance of such a thing as the bill of rights and any further laws that may come.

State laws and Federal laws.. Fast forward to now and you can see in an issue such as medical marijuana in Santa Cruz California where it was voted to be legal by the people in the county, but it is illegal in the federal government. The issue becomes who has the power? These people cannot be arrested by the federal government because there is a law that says it is illegal.. how can you have laws that makes it legal and illegal. You literally see police fighting against each other and neither really can ever win. Again.. states versus federal and this is just one of the major loopholes.

My point is that even from the beginning of laws in the US, people didn't want laws passed by the federal government that would impose on peoples personal decisions, based on someone else's religion or opinions. Obviously as time passed people changed and the federal government became stronger and power was slowly passed back to them through voting. People would look to the government and say hey why aren't you helping me??!! This has been good many times such as during the civil rights movement or even roe vs wade but it does have the potential to backfire... like oh say prohibition.

So to me the abortion rights issue is not an issue to be decided upon by the government. It should be a persons choice. Does that mean I am pro abortion? No. Does that mean I don't think unborn babies have rights? No. Does it matter what I think to you? NO! It shouldn't!! I am not going to go in to a which came first, the chicken or the egg thing about unborn babies with anyone. I just think this is an issue that the government should never have a say in. It is barbaric to me.

I don't want the federal or state government passing a law that may go against how a person feels or should be treated regardless of what I think, or if I actually like the law or not. The same goes with gay marriage. I don't want anyone telling me what I can and cannot do... that is why our ancestors moved to America in the first place. We will all never agree 100% on anyone one law. Just look at voting records. And for the record, I would rather see a committed loving gay couple raising children and having financial and marital rights than some idiots abusing the welfare system, but the idiots unfortunately win here. I think that hurts the country more than anything. No matter what.. who gives a SHIT what other people do there are a lot worse, "evil/weird/sinning," people you run in to everyday! Again does it affect you?? No!

I understand people who genuinely feel their religion compels them to "help," other people or counsel non believers. I have talked to many friends from many religions and the ones I listened to the most on issues were the ones who stated this is how I feel and why... I respected that more than protesters or the ones whose argument was based on making me feel inferior and unintelligent. I accept your ideas and opinions, just respect mine too and remember both of our opinions may sound silly or fanciful to each other.

Having been to a few places around the world and reading about recent conflicts and issues in other countries, I have realized a few things. Some countries pass laws and think it is normal for people of certain ages, sex, religion and colour to have certain rights or not have them. As Americans, we see that as vulgar, unjust and inhumane... It may not be the same issues that we are disputing, but why are we any different? What makes us right?

Cheezburger

This one was old but it is adorable and it keeps making me laugh

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Pundit Kitchen

Or as the british would say... two point naught :p

My surgery :)

To all of you who said and still say... Deanne? Why did you get plastic surgery..?? I can't tell what you did/ you look the same.. etc etc. It has been nearly 3 years now but here are my photos.

Hehe.. I am making you click. (for users on my main page)

To anyone wanting to get plastic surgery, if you are serious, can afford it and have thought through all the risks, do it. It is certainly not for everyone and you need to consider a lot. I am proud that I actually did it despite being told by people it was stupid and self centered or unnecessary.

Even if anyone says I looked better before, it isn't about that. It was my own opinion that counted and this is exactly what I wanted. The fact that no one really noticed after the fact and people I have not seen in a while have no clue, is perfect. Anyway, cats out of the bag. I had plastic surgery and I am proud. I am not perfect but that also wasn't the point.

Oh and to anyone who cannot figure it out, I had a fixed chin implant done and it is a Porex brand and it means it is basically like bone that attaches to your existing bone. It actually covers the majority of my lower jaw as well to balance it all. Many people get silicon implants or plastic movable ones, but this one is for reconstructive surgeries and lasts longer. Alex thinks I have a bionic chin :(

Three months after. Not the best pics of me but at least I have balls enough to exploit my weaknesses :P

see

This is funny :) If you don't know what the reference is, do not look it up. Click here for the wikipedia article. It became trendy to film people's reactions to it but don't worry I would never show anyone this video, nor do I recommend viewing. Anyway.. :p I hope the pope never sees it.. :)

Graph

For fans of This is Spinal Tap..

more graph humor and song chart memes

Cheezburger

I just did this too the other day! Poor kitty is naked... well his butt is now.

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Creepy Twins

I was walking through West Bromtpton Cemetery this morning with Alex and we saw the creepiest freaking thing. There were these two twin girls who were about 10 years old walking through with a tiny poodle puppy. They were wearing matching long light blue 1930'esque knee length coats with hoods and fur around the hood and bottom. They both had long brown hair held back in pony tails with matching pink rubberbands. They were also skipping in unison.

I seriously expected them to turn around and say "come play with us Danny," and turn around and have bloody faces and axes in their heads or something. Or maybe they would skip into the headstones and disapear....

They ended up talking to to another dog owner with a very hyper labrador and we noticed they were french. Anyway, maybe I watch too many horror movies but thanks for scaring the F*@# out of me creepy french twins.

Cheezburger

Okay this got a laugh too :)

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Cheezburger

Hells yeah.

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Qype party August 2008

Alex----->Emily ----->Duncan ----->Pete ----->Deanne
More pictures are here and here.

Yay! August Qype party was really great. It was at the Plumtree in London. A really nice pub which is large but felt really cozy with nice decor. I need to review it still :) For those of you who don't know, qype is a review site for physical places such as restauarants, venues, stores, districts, tourist attractions.. if you can go there, you can review it. It is really awesome and the Qypers in the community get together every month for a qype hosted party. It is free, to qypers of all levels and you can bring friends. You can review anywhere in the world and it is most popular in Germany, England, Ireland and France. It is great because you can type in "mexican food, london," and all the mexican restaurants within London pop up and you can see what other people said about it. It is great for trying new places or even just seeing if you have a pet shop nearby. I am taking a whack at the bay area soon. Try it! It is free.. here I am :) read my reviews

Tom Cruise and Whale poop

Totallylookslike.com, a web site that hosts pictures of people that look like other people or things, which can be rude sometimes :), is brought to you by the folks of I Can Has Cheezburger. They host all the lolcat photos I love. The folks at ICHC also run the really funny failblog, and some other websites I personally find less funny such as loldogs (lame) Office Graphs, (mostly lame) and a Politics one (also mostly lame.)

Anyway, totallylookslike.com which is normally offensive to celebs is currently COVERED in ads for Tom Cruise's web site. It is celebrating 25 years of Tom Cruise's movie career and he has a bio, filmography, a gallery, updates, and in the background of the site are movies of him making out with people and doing kick ass Tom cruise stuff. I think he is prolly a bit cukoo bananas but the dude is passionate, and his new autograph kinda looks like whale taking a poop which is cool. (viewable on the front page of his website.)

Anyway, anyway... wtf is he on an ichc website!? Is he that hip?! I only clicked on the ad thinking, umm is Tom Cruise whoring himself out on a lolblog? wow. He has a weird PR agency.. oh wait! I actually met his PR guy at a Shaklee function. Nice guy, says Tom is too... or was he just pulling a little pr pimphand on me... Dunno. Don't care. Just thought it was funny.

Totally-looks-like examples: (these are some less mean ones)

see famous look-a-like faces

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What you sleeping Position says about you

I decided to research my sleeping position because I thought it was somewhat abnormal. Come to find out it is Alex..apparently, who sleeps abnormally based on the statistics. But, the research was supposed to be used to detect your personality type and here is where I think everything went a bit sour. I think it is a load of crap.

First, here are the positions.

I am a freefaller meaning I sleep on my stomach. I ususally have one leg bent though. Alex is a starfish! which I thought was more common but I guess not. I have 7% of the population sleeping like me and Alex has 5%. Together we look like a crime scene. So quick.. figure out which one you are and your personality will be revealed. heh.

#------# The Foetus: Those who curl up in the foetus position are described as tough on the outside but sensitive at heart. They may be shy when they first meet somebody, but soon relax. This is the most common sleeping position, adopted by 41% of the 1,000 people who took part in the survey. More than twice as many women as men tend to adopt this position.

#------# Starfish (5%): Lying on your back with both arms up around the pillow. These sleepers make good friends because they are always ready to listen to others, and offer help when needed. They generally don't like to be the centre of attention.

I am not gregarious or brash or nervy... I don't like critisism but who the hell does? Not me at all. My Dad sleeps in the same position as I do, so I think it is just genetic because we have similar personalities. Alex has a more correct profile and although he doesn't seek out being the centre of attention, he is comfortable with it and can really grab hold of a crowd when speaking.

But mostly, how can you generalise people's personalities on how they sleep esecially when 40% of people sleep the same way. I mean I really hoped I would get something like wow that is me in a nut shell or interesting statistics like people with high IQ's are x% more likely then others to sleep like bleh.. or people who have conservative political views more likely sleep like blah. Whether it means anything or not, that stuff is still interesting to read. This is just some crack pot horoscope.

Medically it is interesting though saying the two worst positions belong to me and Alex. His leads to snoring, which when you add his two pillows and arms under his head, of course he is snoring (not loudly or often thank god.) Mine leads to your stomach contents backing up in to your mouth? Eww. Not an issue here. To top this off, only 5% of people change position in the middle of the night. This sounds really odd to me too. I know I change positions but the only one I fall asleep to and usually wake to is on my belly.

In Britain, it is also said that most everyone sleeps with an arm or leg outside the duvet, many also have toes sticking out of the bottom. Only 1/10 people cover themselves completely and stay covered. I know this is a boring post but it really pissed me off for some reason. Loose findings and vague conclusions. I want to know people who sleep like me also like orange and mechanical stuff and have long hair or something. It may be dumb but better than this.

Killing Bunnies

I do not condone killing bunnies unless you are going to eat them. Yum.

However, I started on the subject because I saw a commercial and it was about deviants in relationships. It was labeling each type of relationship reject with names like gold digger and bunny boiler. Bunny Boiler? WTF?

Well apparently it is more common here in the UK and refers to a scorn woman who has psychopathic tendencies. Basically, the term derived from the movie Fatal Attraction when a jilted chick, sought revenge on her ex-lover. She puts his family's pet bunny in a boiling pot whilst they are away from the house. When the family come back, the kids sadly search for the bunny and the wife and the ex-lover find it dead in a boiling pot of water.

Now a side note: I read that description online of a bunny boiler on wikipedia and read the fatal attraction part. I was like eww she cooked their pet rabbit! But I still don't know why she is a bunny boiler." A few seconds later I realised I am just a dumb ass. Anyway. Continue...

Well I have seen a few bunny boilers now that I think about it more and it is a funny term which I can't wait to try to use. But wait! There are more ways to kill bunnies and this one isn't for luck!

Have you heard of using a bunny as a pregnancy test? Well apparently, people used to extract blood or urine from a woman who thought she was pregnant. Then they injected that in to a bunny. A few days later they extract the bunny's ovaries to examine if they had any change due to the pregnant womans hormone, Hcg. If the woman was preggers, the ovaries would be affected, if not, she was not pregnant.

In case you were wondering, YES this actually worked and was used on mice and frogs as well within the past 40 years. Although the bunny could have had an anesthetic to check the ovaries, it was more often killed because it was "easier." This led to the inaccurate term, "the rabbit died," in referring to a positive pregnancy test, even though all bunnies died.

It has been used in many tv shows and even in the song by Aerosmith song "Sweet Emotion." In it they say "Can't catch me 'cause the rabbit done died." Which doesn't make sense but anyway, that is what it is referring to. I get pissed spending the few quid/bucks on a pregnancy test but I am glad I don't have to kill a bunny :/

Oh and if you are going to eat rabbit, they actually have no nutritional value and if you tried to subsist on them, you would die. Rabbit starvation is the form of acute malnutrition caused by excess consumption of any lean meat (specifically rabbit) coupled with a lack of other sources of nutrients. Symptoms include diarrhea, headache, lassitude, a vague discomfort and hunger that can only be satisfied by consumption of fat or carbohydrates. Then you die a slow painful but tasty death.

If you are sick of dead rabbits, watch this clip and watch one that eats peoples.

I wanna tattoo of a butt on a butt on my butt

hhuhuhuhu..ehhh.. huh.. huhuhuhuh...

I never thought I would say "do you remember beavis and butthead?" What a timeless classic. It was the best thing in summer break when you popped on the tv and watched episode after episode. I was reminded because the movie was on tv tonight...awesome :p

The movie was just okay and not really funny to people who never watched the show but it still makes me laugh. I actually snuck out of school with my friends to go and see this when it premiered.

There are too many quotes to post but almost every line from the first 45 minutes of the movie were repeated by me for years... some within the past year. One last week :) If you don't have time to watch the movie or feel like reminiscing, here is a 10 minute clip of the best bits starting with my favorite.. the old lady and the sluts :)

Of Mike Judges work I never really liked King of the Hill but I really likedOffice Space on snl and the movie Office Space and Idiocracy. And if you have never seen any of those, watch them. I'm seriously.

Here is the trailer for Idicocracy.

Here is the trailer for Office Space.

how my cats feel

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