Well thanks to a BRILLIANT mind-altering session with my cohort, Sir Alex of Gunthingham, I have decided to post events that occur while in the presence of my two newest neighbors, Rick and Ron Lawrence(?)...All I have to say is that these two should DEFINITELY be a made for TV reality show!!!!! Hollywood or even the Farrelly Brothers could NOT have come up with two BETTER characters than these two!
First a LITTLE background on the two brothers. And I do MEAN little since I rarely try to keep up a long conversation with them. Not because they aren't smart or approachable but because the sweet smell of cigarettes and beer breath can only be substain for MAYBE 2-5 mins at the most.
Secondly, and to me the most BIZARRE fact of the two is that they are TWINS. Not identical or paternal twins but twins of another sort - fraternal twins with DIFFERENT fathers also medically known as Heteropaternal Superfecundation!! Now THAT is a breast full to say let alone pronounce!!!!! Now TWO things from this little known fact that you probably didn't know:
1) The odds of this happening or occurring are 1 in 11 MILLION!!! That's M-I-L-L-I-O-N!!!!!
2) And this DOES NOT mean the woman or their mom slept with two guys at the SAME TIME, BUT in a short period of time during her ovulation cycle!!!
Pretty fascinating aint it? Shit I didn't know until my manager Cierra told me and I was like "Yeah right, who else lives here? Pinocchio?" But after some research it IS true and isn't THAT rare. So that should give you some backdrop about these two fine young gentlemen that live next to me!!! I am so LUCKY to be in their world!
Now onto the truly WEIRD, bizarre stuff/info I have observed JUST in three weeks living there. Shall we? Let us begin...
1) They CONSTANTLY take showers or at least they RUN the shower at ALL times during the day and evening and mornings. Who or what is actually being CLEANSED is another matter ALL to itself seeing that when I see them later in the day, they look as if they rassled and tussl'd in pig shit all day then took a Coors Light shower. I imagine their water bill is becoming close to historical levels, but that remains to be seen
2) they knpw EVERY police officer by first name and vice versa!! Now that MAY seem nerve wracking until you realize that IT may mean because they are hands' on kinda guys and get INVOLVED with their community so I got no complaints there but the MOMENT I hear "Hey the color'd boy next door isn't very nice to us", my ass is Audi like Curt Gowdy!! Damn the POLICE man!
3) They look EXACTLY the same EVERYDAY!! NOW I don't mean clothes-wise, I mean PHYSICAL state wise! One look at their face and it's hard to tell if they JUST passed gas, ate a rotten sunflower see, j*cked the jerky or killed Mr Peabody from the 2nd floor! Unless they smile at you, you can FORGET EVER EVER EVER feeling all fuzzy and warm inside when you take that first glance at them because all you get back is a BLANK, STONED, EERIE stare.
Now let me repeat, these guys are VERY NICE and incredibly polite (sort of like King Kong before Jeff Bridges snatches Jessica Lang away!)
4) The FRONT of their doorway looks as if, someone baked an ASH pie and dropped it RIGHT at the doorway then sprinkled it with some beer and old hot pocket sauce!!! The INSIDE is INCREDIBLE!! I mean the constant glazed film in the air and the thick heavy cigarette smoke residue Permeates throughout the apartment. It got SOOO bad, Cierra had to TELL them to clean up their place! Imagine that! A grown woman having to tell TWO grown men to clean their place up or else!!! I was amazed but strangeley AMUSED by it all too. I mean to see her knee deep in funk and fries meant that she was a VERY good down to heart woman! Points for her! But the capper is that the two clingons were outside giggling and laughing on the balcony while SHE was inside risking CO2 and Hantavirus contamination.
I couldn't STOP laughin at THIS because I mean, it was STR8 outta Beavis and Butthead!!! incredible!
5) they somehow have managed to get a CAT (feline snotticus) to behave like a DOG! I mean this cat does not do the very BASIC things we humans are accustomed to seeing cats act and behave. It DOESN'T run from you, it actually COMES RIGH To you and follows you inside whether you like it or not AND it expects to get fed RIGHT then and there or it will meow until you punt his ass back outside! He also follows your vehicle into your parking spot and plops his old ass RIGHT onto your hood (for heat i guess) and proceeds to CLEAN himself RIGHT there while you are still exiting your vehicle! Impressive I must say!
And the last thing is that they sometimes leave beer residue on the balcony from where they sit for hours upon hours and the cat sips that shit up like milk!!! I bet RIGHT now if you were to go to my cozy pad, the cat would be to' up and stretched out like Ned the whino from Good Times!!!! CRAZY man, CRAZY!!!
As I wrap this up, I would like to say that I am VERY intrigued in what would/could happen the following months/weeks/days with these two. I mean, who needs TV when you have these two around 24-7??
Stay tuned for the next entry in the "Chronicles of Rick and Ron"
Too many times in life, you ALWAYS come across a message, passage, article, song, book, etc telling us the INCREDIBLE rewards of venturing/journeying out of our comfort zones to experience wonderful and maybe even EARTH shattering moments in our lives! We are CONSTANTLY bombarded with quips and news/soundbites about how so and so or whomever enjoyed INCREDIBLE success or blah blah because he or she broke down their barriers and REACHED out to do something not normally within their cusp of reality.
I for one, have NO qualms with this approach at ALL. If I did, I would no doubt still be working at your local Safeway taking illegal tip $$$ for services I get paid to do. But the point of this whole rambling about comfort zones is NOT about personal empowerment or success. It's not about life changing decisions and family matters. Hell it's not EVEN about our self-constrained sexual borders we all put onto ourselves to *SHIELD* us from liking and maybe even ENJOYING something or someone that has been taboo to us from day one.
No THIS my friend, goes STR8 to the ESSENCE of why I HATE applying this motto to every aspect of life! THIS deals ONLY with one THING, and that is FOOD!!! That's RIGHT, FRICKEN F-O-O-D.....To me this is sacred ground!
See to me, I am SICK and TIRED of hearing people BITCH and COMPLAIN about what YOU should EAT! NOT them, but YOU! They have the audacity to lecture you on the finer things in life like Mongolian Chicken Heart, or Taiwanese Goat Lung soup or maybe even this delicacy - Tibetan Ram loaf. They tell you how THEY once were scared as you to eat these fine dishes and they go on and on and on and on about how their LIFE suddenly changed by digesting something I wouldn't use for a prop for "Fear Factor"!! And EVERYTIME, I hold my own and fight them off and tell them politely but with a stern STARE, "NO thank you!" I will have the MEAT and rice/potatoes!
This battle or should I say WAR, has been waging since I was old enough to spit out my first dish of peas and cumquat pudding! To me it's always been SOO simple:
1) See some food
2) Taste it
3) Continue eating it or put it on the "Taste worse than SHIT list" and leave it at that. What in THE HELL is wrong with this simple approach? I for one cannot POSSIBLY see why EVERYONE thinks that THEIR taste buds are BETTER suited for meals than your own. I mean when that first lump of food goes down and your natural gag reflex kicks in and you start to feel that initial squirt of acid from your stomach come back up, WHO in the HELL do you think is suffering from this? Not the silly friend that coerced you into eating the crap, that's FA SHO! They sit back and wonder "Gee, that's funny, I love it!" But they don't see that this is the WHOLE point, YOU love it (with YOU being the KEYWORD here) not I, nor ME.
If I wanted to love all the same food as the next fool, why on earth do I bother ordering a dish? Isnt the WHOLE point in life for each and every one of us to experience stuff on OUR own or with a little assistance or urging from others? Of course it is, but from now on my friends, FOOD will NOT be on the compromise list! I don't care if I eat alone for the next 34 epochs, I will NOT succumb to Uncle Ray telling me that pig feet is "hella GOOOD", or Aunt Mabel swearing up and down on her worn out bible that Frog legs fried NOT boiled are to die for! F*CK that! I aint the ONE!!! NO more!
The reason for the rant you might ask? Well I tried SUSHI for the first time and I swear to Jahovah Jones, that I got EXACTLY what I paid for! I was sicker than OJ after he dropped his left glove. I mean I couldn't DO NATHAN (for the hip impaired, that means NOTHING) and I haven't eaten ANYTHING since Wed night! It is NOW Friday and thanks to me venturing out of of comfort zone in the ONE place I dared NEVER to stray, I could eat a GOAT right now, topped with Mayo!
I tried, I tried, I tried! I wanted to fit in, I wanted to laugh and fart like everyone else eating sushi and what did it get me? 10-5 in the Vomit penitentiary!!!! NO more! There will be NO more compromises! Everyone else can kiss my Chocolate Starfish!!!! From now ON I will eat 10 things and TEN things only! They are -
1) Meat (EXCEPT lamb and liver)
2) Chicken
3) Rice
4) Potatoes
5) Some green veggies like cucumbers, celery, lettuce and green beans
6) fruit
7) chocolate and candy
8) dairy products (EXCEPT cottage cheese, sour cream shit like that)
9) Bread
10) Cereal
That is IT! With a few exceptions, I will NEVER EVER stray from my list! EVER!!!!
I am done now, but understand that this which I post is TRUE and try me if you think I am lyin' man!
Transmission OVER and OUTRO!
1) brewers droop
2) chuffed to buggery - extremely pleased
3) clown's pocket
4) crimp off a length
5) dog's bollocks
6) Gandhi's revenge
7) manmuck
8) map of Tassie
9) marmite motorway
10) smuggling peanuts
11) spam javelin
12) oojah
13) Jackson Pollocks
14) rusty bullet hole
15) nadgers
16) windypops
17) y-bone steak
18) vinegar strokes
19) vertical bacon sandwich
1) Eating Mongolian Tuskan Jelly loaf - warmed over chilled rice pilaf
2) Dancing with Stefan over a moon lit dinner and cigars
3) Stabbing myself in the groin with a rusty fork
4) Hearing how Alex "SHOULD" have won the Morrocan Cup MVP back in '78
5) Constipation and diarrhea while on a 4 hour drive
6) Mayonnaise
7) Wearing a jersey from ANY Of these teams to a Raider game - 49ers, Broncos, Chiefs and Cowboys
8) Dining at a sushi/eggplant restaurant
9) Listening to Yanni/Country Music/Classical/John Tesh
10) Prostate exam