dammit if I can't walk 3 FEET in this fricken place without someone ELSE telling me, "Hey you look like you lost some weight?"!!!!!!!!!!!!! Enuff already man! I am about THIS close to going Tito Jackson on somebody!!!! It may be what every woman wants to hear but for me PERSONALLY, unless I started out over 300 lbs, this AINT what I need/want to hear! And the SAD, sickening part is that when I tell folks (mostly women say this) that I had FOOD POISONING and all the niceties that come along with it, they ACTUALLY say, "Wow, maybe I NEED to get that too!" like it's some topical cream from Belize or something. Try telling someone from sub-Sahara Africa or central America how WONDERFUL it would be to get FOOD poisoning and LOOSE some extra tonnage while you at it. Think they would be COMFORTED by this? Yeah maybe, RIGHT after someone hits you over the head and you wake up on a platter with beetles and roots and spices!!!!
So from NOW on, if someone ask me if I am loosing weight, I shall respond with an assortment of colorful phrases with language to match! Some are listed below:
Person: "Hey did you lose some weight or are you losing weight?"
Me:
- "yep, but hey what can you do when the AIDS is on yo azzzz?"
- "No, I think your eyes and face got fatter"
- "I don't know, why don't you weigh my D*CK in your hand and tell ME"
- "Yep sure did! This new Herpes diet is KICK-ASS"
- "No I didn't but penis is still HEAVY as hell"
- "Nope, the odor from shitting on myself impairs visibility to others"
- "I can't tell standing next to your bulbous head"
- "yes I did, ever since I change to higher grade crack"
- "Oh shit, is it noticeable? because my boyfriend HATES my sharp pelvic bone"
- "Only if you look at me from between my legs"
- "Yeah I am, I have an addiction to shitting"
- "Not really, but hey come here and let me slap the shit out of you for fun!"
- "I can't tell, but hey did YOU lose an ass or some breasts?"
- "WOW, I think so but it's hard to tell when you are high on hop, feel me?"
- "Hmm maybe...I started to drink a cup of "Hey shut the f*ck up and exercise YOURSELF" every morning
Hmm as I get closer to 50 yrs old, I have thought that maybe JUST maybe, it MIGHT be time for me to start thinking about having some chitlins in about 6-8 yrs. And by doing so, I have to also start thinking about what to name these illegitimate offspring of mine.
Since I do NOT plan on having anytime soon, I have put a LOT of thought into these names and I am willing to share these most innermost findings with the world! Here I present to you all, my list of TOP names for my seeds from my loins!
Male:
1) Scorpion Lee Mays
2) Hiawatha Sky
3) Portimus Scarborough
4) Antithemus Jack
5) Bubba Milt
6) Cyrus Fang
7) B.B. Scones
8) Count Calico
9) Greenwich Posko
10) Jonas Jaguar
11) Optimus Lee
12) Argyle Flint
13) Bobby Jack
14) Leon Isaac
15) Isiah Motown
16) Corbin Flytower
17) Pesco Pete
18) General Javier
19) Ferndinand Helios
20) Archameides Dax
Female:
1) Armada Fly Jones
2) Cinnamon Bootsie
3) Sun Sheila
4) Ebony Soulmoon
5) Badass Jacky Lee
6) Hennessy Mae Earl
7) Princess P. Afrika
8) Mabel Buddafly
9) Isis Earthcycle
10) Neferttiti Foxy
11) Sista Sarah Onyx
12) Sugadrop Santana
13) Cocoa Bonita
14) Vondella Creampop
15) Marvelous Mayva Mearl
16) Scandeletta Seabreeze
17) Honeyfoot Turquoise
18) Geneva Gumdrop
19) Strawberry Cadillac
20) Desiree Diamond Fox
of past and former job positions I have held in the workforce since my teen years. I know some of you will SERIOUSLY doubt my recollection but truth be told, I don't give a shit! Man I was THERE... I was the ONE who BLED, ROBBED, FORNICATED, and STOLED'DED in order for me and my five childrends to eat and prosper. And for THIS, I am giving thanks and making sure that this upcoming Labor Day will be the grandestest of dem all!
I give to THEE my list! I did these jobs so that YOU ALL wouldn't have to!!! Take HEED my brothas n sistas!! The "MAN" is coming and he ain't taking YALL wit em!
1) Security guard for Don Cornelius (1972-1977)
2) stuntman for Coolidge on "White Shadow" TV series (1978)
3) sexual standin for Popcorn Sammy in porn movies of the '80s (1977-1985)
4) designated "FIRST" to ask the white womens to dance at local Alabama high schools in early '80s (1981-1984)
5) Lead singer for DeBarge during trip to Pelican Bay concert (1993)
6) backup Kool Aid maker for Jim Jones (1977)
7) Dance coordinator for Helen Reddy (1976-1979)
8) worked in Vidal Sasson sweat shop in Muncie, IN (1982)
9) Lead photographer for Oui and Hustler magazines (1981-1988)
10) knife thrower for Rinlin Brothers - Barnaby Haley circus (1987)
11) Stunt coordinator for Hertz commercials with OJ (1983)
12) Right hand man for Isaac Hayes (1977-1982)
13) Stripper for Esther Rolle's bachelorette party (1956)
14) Kool Aid dispenser changer during filming of Good Times (1977-1978)
15) Drove Partridge Family bus (1969)
16) Male escort for women cast members of Falcon Crest (1985)
17) Sniper (1977-Present)
18) hairstylist for Prince, Andre Cymone, Morris Day and Lil Richard (1984)
19) Sexual surrogate for Ofrah Winfreid (1999)
20) Fluffer for Guinness Book of World record attemptors
OK boys and gals, since crime is at it's HIGHEST levels ever across this God-forsaken land, it's time SOMEONE stopped pussyfootin' around issues and TACKLED them head on!!
And ONE of those issues is personal survival and safety on prison! I for one know that being the MAN outside in the real world can EASILY be changed to being the MAN'S beeeyatch behind those cell walls! So in order to make sure you don't get a nickname like "Sticky Ricky" or "Petee Poundme", I would ADVISE those of you headed down that path of destruction and deceit to LISTEN up and heed these valuable words!!!
Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT mutter, think, whisper or ponder SAYING any of these phrases your FIRST day in the JOINT!!
The ASS you save might be your OWN!!!
1) "Hey where do we put our plants?, I have allergies you know!"
2) "So why is Mr Grumpy on the TOP bunk? Let's chat about this shall we?"
3) "Hi everyone, my name is Mark and I am double jointed"
4) "It Looks like you need a BIG ole hug! Come here!"
5) "you KNOW, you blacks need to get OFF the drugs and find your babies! Then you wouldn't be SO angry and in HERE like your brothers and uncles"
6) "Excuse me sir, I WAS next in line"
7) (in shower) "Hey can any of you fellas tell me if I look like I lost some weight?"
8) "Hey have you EVER dreamed about flying around nakkid and not giving a HOOT about anything? Have YOU?"
9) "Do these county blues make my ass look tight or loose?"
10) "Since when has urinating on other's stuff been the RIGHT thing to do, Mr Man?"
11) "Some dude came by our cell looking for you with some sharp object but I told him this is NOT a jungle, and reported him to the guards!!"
12) (out on the yard) "hey any of you guys wanna play tether ball or four square?"
13) "Excuse me warden but is it REALLY necessary to have us wear these outfits EVERYDAY??"
14) "I dare ANY Of you b*tch ass fools to STEP my way!!! you STEP my way and you GOING down HARD and FAST like yo momma at my bachelor party!"
15) "Man I remember when you MEXEECANS use ta just work at the taco trucks!! You remember that?"
16) "Damn I could have sworn my girl packed some jelly and condoms in here somewhere"
17) "Hey man, I Swear I have dated your daughter at ONE time or another! MAN could SHE ever do this ONE thing with her mouth, dentyne and some syrup!!! You'll NEVER Guess!!!"
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