As I sit here visiting Yahoo and ESPN for the 203rd time today, I had an epiphany!! It came to me like a dusk sunset over Lake Caaachitaa during the mosquito outbreak of 1982 in Panama City, Alaska.
What if I could bless the souls and lives of others that read my EVERY word and post with anticipation that rivals condom week at the Boys and Girls club in East Oakland? What IF I gave upon to thee, the ALL TIME greatest office/workplace feats KNOWN to mankind?
This is NO Longer a "WHAT IF" as I have scoured the depths of my brain and research books to accumulate what I feel are the FIVE GREATEST achievements/feats/records EVER assembled by one man/woman!
ENJOY and let us BEGIN!
1) Longest stretch without talking to another work/group coworker:
Salvadore Billececilli (Brooklyn, NY; Archies' Hoagie and Tire shop, 1988)
- 23 months, 3 weeks, 12 days and 9 hours
It was said that Mr Billececilli became violently ill after a company party and remained soiled and stained despite valiant efforts to resucitate him. He died 23 minutes later saying these last words to his isolated coworkers: "Damn you BITCHES!"
2) Most times EVER saying/expressing a meaningless buzzword phrase over a course of a work week (Mon-Fri):
Franklin "Memorex" Ajaba (East St Louis, MO; Radio Shack, 1995)
- 15423
Mr Ajaba better known as "Memorex" once uttered the phrase "Take yo BEST SHOT!" an incredible 15423 times to his coworkers and customers while going through a fixation with the movie "Rocky XXI" while installing radios at Radio Shack back in the summer of 1995. Tragically "Memorex" was gun down when after a robbery attempt went awry, he only could mutter "Take yo best shot" when confronted with the question of where the safe was! He is now immortalized by a 2 ft copper statue on top of the cash register in his honor.
3) Most company treats/desserts ever consumed in one setting/meeting/party::
Bassimel Hassid Walker (Cleveland, OH; IBM Call center, 1977)
- 76 cookies, pieces of cake and assorted Middle eastern pastries
Bassimel Walker, AKA "The Human Toilet", was considered by most office historians as one of, if NOT THE, WORST violator of office decorum and grace for food EVER born in the U.S!!!! On a winter day on Xmas Eve, Bassie set out to consume EVERY single piece of pastry he could get his size 23 hands on in a span of 3 hours at the annual Xmas party/dinner dance. Not only did he leave only a handful of snacks for everyone else BUT he also vomited with ill force into the Mutton dish ruining dinner for everyone including the hired band for the night, the Ohio Players who proceeded to beat Bassie with amp wire until he was subdued and unconscious! A near riot followed when it was learned that Bassie was under strict Management order to CONSUME every dish so that the company heads could leave early and save money!
Bassie is retired now but still lives in the Cleveland area and runs a 24 hr call girl/bakery from an undisclosed location.
4) Most disgusting coworker EVER employed for longer than 2 weeks:
Goachie Hammonds (Brunswick, NJ; Dominic's Pizza Pub, 1984)
- This man, simply known as "Shit" to his coworkers and family and friend, was SO disgusting and vile, he was once removed from a public restroom because he purposely kept shitting OUTSIDE the stalls in order to *mark* his territory. NO one quite knew WHY he was so repulsive, but legend has it that when he was 11 yrs old, a bunch of ruffians from his old neighborhood beat him with a stick covered in cat shit and licorice and made him eat it in front of his 7th grade sweetheart! This unfortunate even eventually led to acts TOO unspeakable to mention on this list. BUT to name a few -
a) ate his way through a living cow just because he wanted fresh milk and steak
b) peed on his hands when the water drought of '79 cut off water supplies to the city and then went about shaking everyone's hand at the local pub
c) once wore plastic pants with soiled remains in them for 2 MONTHS to work and ADAMENT that it was his fellow coworker Franklin Jackson's socks were the culprit which in turn got Jackson fired and put in prison for 3 years
d) soaked bags of phlegm in vinegar and Captain Jack's BBQ sauce and proceeded to give them out for treats on Halloween.
Needless to say, this man was what legend and lore were made of! When he died from ass poisoning at the ripe age of 35, he was so dirty and covered with food that he was mistakenly hoisted as a pinata at his wake.
5) Worse Racial mistake EVER made that resulted in bodily violation and/or death :
Scooter Briggenbothem (Harvard, MA; Crimson and Cream Soda shop, 1991)
- On a foggy Labor day weekend, Scooter and his pals were on a innocent picnic with some gal pals down at Lake Botswana. Since he was a little boy, Scooter had a seriously pronunciation problem saying ANY words that started with "D"..Throughout his childhood, he never really had a serious problem with it, people just took it for granted and let it be and cut him slack. BUT on this dreadful day, it JUST so happened that Notre Dame was in town playing UMASS down the highway and they were led by their Legendary coach Digger Phelps. Needless to say, a UNFORGETTABLE moment happened as the two parties met up at Scooter's place of employment. Unbeknownst to Scooter at the time was that a former player for Notre Dame, Clarence "The KNIFE" Jenkins (he got his nickname because his punch would puncture any surface resulting in immediate death or internal bleeding) was working there for while on probation for killing a large boar with his hands and a butterknife back in his hometown of Chitlin Swith, Mississippi! Once Clarence saw his old Coach, he was THRILLED to say the least!!! Scooter being an avid fan himself was ALSO very thrilled and proceeded to walk up to the Hall of Fame coach and introduce himself! As Scooter's friends gathered, he introduced them ALL to the Coach by saying "Hey this here is Digger, and he will get his ass kicked tonight by our team!!".
Not knowing Scooter's childhood issue with pronouncing the letter 'D', the coach's name came out ALL wrong with SAVAGE consequences and once Clarence the Knife heard this, he proceeded to sodomized a helpless and petrified Scooter repeatedly on the counter to the shock of ALL!!! As patrons ran with disgust and horror and shock, a remorsed Clarence proclaimed that he was sorry and that he would not have forceful anal sex with young men again!
Mr Knife is currently serving 23 yrs in Attica, NY and has wrote two books from his ordeal -
"Why was the coach named Digger?" and
"Why wasn the coach NOT named Frank?"
Both are best sellers on the NY Times list for nonfiction.