In lieu of recent grumblings at my job here at Satchell McGee's Corn and Comic Palace, I have decided to launch a tirade against the Hollywood Machine responsible for putting out all these recent comic book to movie flicks.
We are ALL aware of the past big screen renditions of -
1) Spider Man
2) Batman
3) Superman
4) X Men
5) The Punisher
6) Blade
7) Spawn
8) The Fantastic Four
9) Van Helsing
10) The Hulk
and some more to name just a few, but many of America's general public are COMPLETELY unaware of the VAST quantity of movies that have slipped under the National radar due to poor management, marketing and/or budget issues.
Well through extensive research as well as blind luck, I have scoured the internet, flea markets and globe to uncover 5 flicks you should DEFINITELY have in your comic book collection.
They are listed with Title, year of release, total box office take, stars, and probably reason the movie flopped
1) Black Fist of Five Knuckles on YO Ass! (1988) ; $21,255.56
Starred Damone Bellamy as the title lead, "Black Fist" and Masheeka Alize as his love interest, "Star Mecca Jones".
- Many say the movie bombed because of the hot love scenes btw the two stars and America's unwillingness to accept the controversial anal sex scenes. I tend to disagree but the movie received the first AND only NC-39 rating. It didnt help that at the star studded opening, four cast members were shot and violence erupted at the Watts Cinedome 6.
The remaining 4 sequels went straight to NGET (predecessor to BET), which proceeded to air them on successful nights back during the Watts Riot in order to calm all the negroes and chicanos.
Was re-released in '99 at the Hubba Bubba Sambo Film Festival in Chitlin Switch, Alabama and walked away with numerous awards including Best Chicken Eaten in a Movie, Best Dance Move by a White Man (three time winner Alexx G Hunter) and The Prestigious CPT "On Time" Award
2) Captain Cervico (1977); $455.89
Starring Alvarado Pacinetti as the lead hero and Cormega Richards as his sidekick.
- This action flick was taken from the dark, surreal Borschetti comic series about a OBGYN by day and crime fighter at night. Even though the comic had/has a strong solid fan base, critics and words of mouth DESTROYED this flick before it EVER got off the ground. It also didnt help that many of the pre-screening audience were given life sized replicas of Ms Richards' cervix imprint. That plus it being shot in Beta 33.2 Analog print and sound by Radio Shack, doomed this movie from the start.
Some say that the scene in which Pacinetti is gunned down at a chinese massage parlor was indeed filmed LIVE and one can actually hear the sounds coming from a back room of the director having sex with a young receptionist who later filed criminal sex charges against him.
The charges were dropped once it was learned that the director and the receptionist were related and the WRONG charges were filed due to a technicality.
3) Mr Mephisto & the Talons of Funk (1978); $632,452.25
Starring James Earl Jones Jr, Samallasa Bhenchentiviannna, Poochie Whitaker and Galactica Mayweather.
- Based on the obscure but fascinating funk comic series from the '70s, "Mr Mephisto & The Talons of Funk " took the movie audience on a gawdy yet unspectacular 4 hr rampage through the galactic soul endeavors of the super hero and his sidekicks. Many people had pushed for this epic series to come to the big screen, among them - Toby Mc Guire, Malcolm McClaren, Steven Spielberg and Willis Reed.
Serious budget issues and concerns over Director Mayfly Lewis' rendition cause numerous setbacks in production and filming. Not only that, but a rival movie from Soul Train Productions, "Don Cornelius and his Badass Galactic Bitches", was simply just far too a superior movie in ever way.
Few bright spots were associated with this flick but true to the comic book lore and legend, there were numerous male frontal nudity shots which I am sure delighted the women folk considering it was reported that Bhenchentiviannna has/had a 14 in penis, in flaccid stage no doubt!!!!
4) Alabama Jessup and the Apartment of Doom (1983); $1.25 (WIC)
Starring Neville C. Hammonds, Nipsey Russell, Byron Allen, Jane Kennedy and a very young Colin Powell Jr
- Holds the distinct box office record of making the LEAST amount of MONEY EVER for a full length featured film!!! This film was LOOSELY based on the action series written during the slave days by Sir Boveruac G. Devins. UNLIKE Devins' books which capture the love, joy and happiness of slavery, this flick was brutally honest and depicted rather graphic scenes of men showering together and a non-filtered sounds of kissing and chicken smacking.
What ISN'T noted here is that the reason why the flick didnt make SQUAT was because there was a mixup the night of the premier at Lando Calrissian Magic 9 Cinemas in Hawthorne, Ca as to if it was a FREE premier or if people had to pay half price for special tix at the front door for a raffle to see Jimmy Walker live in Carson the next weekend. During the confusion, a white man was stabbed accidentally according to eyewitness reports and everyone was ordered INSIDE the theatre for their protection.
Well once all the confusion waned, the movie ushers mistakenly sat folks w/o taking their tix or ASKING if they had any to begin with. Therefore everyone got in FREE except for ONE 92 yr old lady who paid the "I shit Dust" fee installed for the elderly.
Back to the movie, this was a BLATANT ripoff of the wildly succesful "Indiana Jones" franchise and despite legal threats and warnings from LucasFilm and Amblin Entertainment, the movie went on and was made in an astounding 21 hours. IT showed as there are PLENTY of random background activities going on (like a dog attacking a asian man in one scene at the gas station and a car jacking of a young couple during the tap dance school shootout).
But the ONE thing that many considered to this very day that changed Hollywood forever was the scene in which Hammonds and Powell Jr were running through a barn and Powell fell on his stomach. Hammonds right behind him, fell on Powell's back and during the confusion, penetrated Powell's anal canal by mistake. The director, the late Coolbone Hutchkins, decided to KEEP the controversial scene INTACT and in it's entirety INCLUDING the stabbing of Hammonds by Powell with a sharp peppermint candy cane.
THIS scene led to the VERY prosperous and marketable black gay porn industry and spawned many careers of today's stars including Mufungo X, Danger Dick Davis and Penelope Paul Womack.
5) Last but not least is the MOST controversial of these obscure, str8 to film comic book movie releases. During the heyday of the James Bond flicks, there was ALWAYS word of another similar action hero making waves behind the scenes in dark alley comic stores and shops - his name? -
Agent Double Oh Heavens, a swashbuckling, debonnaire, gigolo priest played to perfection by a very virile and abrasive Lorne Greene!
This flick was released in '63 and grossed over $2.3 Million!!!! By far the MOST successful cult comic flick ever!!!
Many attributed the success of the film to its' BLATANT similarities to the Ian Fleming franchise, 007! And truth be told, I too had my doubts and concerns BUT once you sit down, you are taken on a magical ride of devilish Russian spies, evil African drug lords, crafty Colombian kingpins and a RARE and MASTERFUL performance by 23-time Emmy winner, Abe Vigoda as the loving but dangerous ringleader "Artillecus Gossage".
It also didnt hurt that this movie had MANY similarities to the 007 novels and movies. For instance instead of a "Q" character, this flick had a character named "QNuts" played to perfection by late child actor Rodney Allen Rippey. And instead of working for her Majesty's Service, Double OH Heavens worked for the big G-O-D!! Despite many protests and pickets outside the premier at London's Odeon South Woodford theatre, the rabid comic book followers, not to mention a few in heat nuns and not so discreet gay priests, would NOT let anything or ONE stop them.
The vivid love scenes between Lorne and a yet to be discovered Diana Ross, fueled the INCREDIBLE debate and controversy of the film. Nothing and NO ONE had EVER concieved of a priest being a PIMP/Double Agent/Spy but author Tangy von Morgan Glasvryn DARED to push the envelope SOOOO FAR what had EVER been done, he created a TIME warp!!! 34 women reportedly passed out during the shower scene alone.
Most notable from the flick were the famous one liners pioneered in the comic book and brough to life by Greene. Some of those included:
"Hey bitch, even the LORD dont get down like THAT!"
"....hey bro, that aint a Jesus Peace in ya ladies mouth now IS it?"
"Red rover, Red Rover, let my big Moses come over!"
and the UNFORGETTABLE "I'm F*CKIN dying man!"
The next time your girl/woman/sis/mom/aunt/etc TELLS you that it's easy to deal with women, ask them to MOVE in with one
The first time somebody returns something stolen from you will be the FIRST time
Movie theatres should have headphone jacks like Airplanes so you can BLOCK out all the DAMN talking/ringing/crumpling/sneezin/farting/yelling BS going on..As for FIRE hazards, have a RED light that displays "Git the FUK out, the movie on fire yall!"
Next time you feeling sorry for yourself, think about the loser who's ENVIOUS of what YOU have
Jesus Saves, but WHO assumed it meant HUMANS?
If you aint got ya shit together, stop fretting! Shit accumulates wherever you are bound to go
the Devil may be sneaky but the woman you cheat on is FAR worse and BETTER at it!
That guy you SIMPLY cannot live w/o, lives with MORE than he is letting on
That woman that tells you she wont trip or bug out, is WELL on her way!
Some people are just PLAIN f*ckin evil!
I see married people doing all kind of wrong sh8t and I am the ONE who gets the funny looks because I aint married? How does that work? Take some lessons from the Hunters on how to do it RIGHT beeeyatches! :)
SIck of my truck faltering on my ass but it's too late now, TOO much committed to in the past! Sort of like an abusive relationship eh?
Softball is NOT an addiction I have come to realize BUT a savior in the sense of granting me my serenity and peace of mind!!!!!
Allergies WILL be the death of me one day!
Tattoos on hold put a damper on things!
Since I have two former mates getting married or moving away, WHO'S coming INTO my life to take their places?
If Life is a balance, I wonder if mines is defected
This is NOT a public service announcement - the views ARE from the originator!!
I would rather gauge my eyes than watch 5 mins of "Friends", "Sex in the City", "M*A*S*H", "American Idol/Survivor/etc" or "Real World"
This shall be continued at a later date...
1) Xtro - wait for the alien birth scene! 'NUFF said
2) Blood beach - the penis snatching scene is worth it all
3) Toolbox Murderer - Do I EVEN have to explain this one for you?
4) My Bloody Valentines - nice to get a REAL fresh human heart for ONCE on VDAY!!
5) Sleepaway Camp - Cheesy camp ripoff of F the 13th
6) Prophecy - MAN I love this movie!!! Armand Assante plays a Native American/Middle eastern/Persian/Latin/Cuban/Israeli/Portuguese nature dude who has a FINE ass Indian wife! Talia SHire is also in this and MAN those days after Rocky MUST have been ROUGH!
7) Phantasm - the Balls say enough about THIS classic!
8) Reanimator - JUST SIMPLY brilliant!!! Should have won an Oscar over "On Golden Pond"
9) Hills have eyes!! - Any movie where a child gets eaten like hamburger meat is ON this list!
10) Last but not least, It's Alive!!!!!!!!!!! - the movie ad and print was SCARY enough! A two fingered claw hanging outside a BABY carriage? are you kidding me? ABSOLUTE brilliance!