We are ALL aware of the past big screen renditions of -
1) Spider Man
2) Batman
3) Superman
4) X Men
5) The Punisher
6) Blade
7) Spawn
8) The Fantastic Four
9) Van Helsing
10) The Hulk
and some more to name just a few, but many of America's general public are COMPLETELY unaware of the VAST quantity of movies that have slipped under the National radar due to poor management, marketing and/or budget issues.

Well through extensive research as well as blind luck, I have scoured the internet, flea markets and globe to uncover 5 flicks you should DEFINITELY have in your comic book collection.

They are listed with Title, year of release, total box office take, stars, and probably reason the movie flopped

1) Black Fist of Five Knuckles on YO Ass! (1988) ; $21,255.56

Starred Damone Bellamy as the title lead, "Black Fist" and Masheeka Alize as his love interest, "Star Mecca Jones".
- Many say the movie bombed because of the hot love scenes btw the two stars and America's unwillingness to accept the controversial anal sex scenes. I tend to disagree but the movie received the first AND only NC-39 rating. It didnt help that at the star studded opening, four cast members were shot and violence erupted at the Watts Cinedome 6.

The remaining 4 sequels went straight to NGET (predecessor to BET), which proceeded to air them on successful nights back during the Watts Riot in order to calm all the negroes and chicanos.

Was re-released in '99 at the Hubba Bubba Sambo Film Festival in Chitlin Switch, Alabama and walked away with numerous awards including Best Chicken Eaten in a Movie, Best Dance Move by a White Man (three time winner Alexx G Hunter) and The Prestigious CPT "On Time" Award

2) Captain Cervico (1977); $455.89

Starring Alvarado Pacinetti as the lead hero and Cormega Richards as his sidekick.
- This action flick was taken from the dark, surreal Borschetti comic series about a OBGYN by day and crime fighter at night. Even though the comic had/has a strong solid fan base, critics and words of mouth DESTROYED this flick before it EVER got off the ground. It also didnt help that many of the pre-screening audience were given life sized replicas of Ms Richards' cervix imprint. That plus it being shot in Beta 33.2 Analog print and sound by Radio Shack, doomed this movie from the start.

Some say that the scene in which Pacinetti is gunned down at a chinese massage parlor was indeed filmed LIVE and one can actually hear the sounds coming from a back room of the director having sex with a young receptionist who later filed criminal sex charges against him.

The charges were dropped once it was learned that the director and the receptionist were related and the WRONG charges were filed due to a technicality.

3) Mr Mephisto & the Talons of Funk (1978); $632,452.25

Starring James Earl Jones Jr, Samallasa Bhenchentiviannna, Poochie Whitaker and Galactica Mayweather.
- Based on the obscure but fascinating funk comic series from the '70s, "Mr Mephisto & The Talons of Funk " took the movie audience on a gawdy yet unspectacular 4 hr rampage through the galactic soul endeavors of the super hero and his sidekicks. Many people had pushed for this epic series to come to the big screen, among them - Toby Mc Guire, Malcolm McClaren, Steven Spielberg and Willis Reed.

Serious budget issues and concerns over Director Mayfly Lewis' rendition cause numerous setbacks in production and filming. Not only that, but a rival movie from Soul Train Productions, "Don Cornelius and his Badass Galactic Bitches", was simply just far too a superior movie in ever way.

Few bright spots were associated with this flick but true to the comic book lore and legend, there were numerous male frontal nudity shots which I am sure delighted the women folk considering it was reported that Bhenchentiviannna has/had a 14 in penis, in flaccid stage no doubt!!!!

4) Alabama Jessup and the Apartment of Doom (1983); $1.25 (WIC)

Starring Neville C. Hammonds, Nipsey Russell, Byron Allen, Jane Kennedy and a very young Colin Powell Jr
- Holds the distinct box office record of making the LEAST amount of MONEY EVER for a full length featured film!!! This film was LOOSELY based on the action series written during the slave days by Sir Boveruac G. Devins. UNLIKE Devins' books which capture the love, joy and happiness of slavery, this flick was brutally honest and depicted rather graphic scenes of men showering together and a non-filtered sounds of kissing and chicken smacking.

What ISN'T noted here is that the reason why the flick didnt make SQUAT was because there was a mixup the night of the premier at Lando Calrissian Magic 9 Cinemas in Hawthorne, Ca as to if it was a FREE premier or if people had to pay half price for special tix at the front door for a raffle to see Jimmy Walker live in Carson the next weekend. During the confusion, a white man was stabbed accidentally according to eyewitness reports and everyone was ordered INSIDE the theatre for their protection.

Well once all the confusion waned, the movie ushers mistakenly sat folks w/o taking their tix or ASKING if they had any to begin with. Therefore everyone got in FREE except for ONE 92 yr old lady who paid the "I shit Dust" fee installed for the elderly.

Back to the movie, this was a BLATANT ripoff of the wildly succesful "Indiana Jones" franchise and despite legal threats and warnings from LucasFilm and Amblin Entertainment, the movie went on and was made in an astounding 21 hours. IT showed as there are PLENTY of random background activities going on (like a dog attacking a asian man in one scene at the gas station and a car jacking of a young couple during the tap dance school shootout).

But the ONE thing that many considered to this very day that changed Hollywood forever was the scene in which Hammonds and Powell Jr were running through a barn and Powell fell on his stomach. Hammonds right behind him, fell on Powell's back and during the confusion, penetrated Powell's anal canal by mistake. The director, the late Coolbone Hutchkins, decided to KEEP the controversial scene INTACT and in it's entirety INCLUDING the stabbing of Hammonds by Powell with a sharp peppermint candy cane.

THIS scene led to the VERY prosperous and marketable black gay porn industry and spawned many careers of today's stars including Mufungo X, Danger Dick Davis and Penelope Paul Womack.

5) Last but not least is the MOST controversial of these obscure, str8 to film comic book movie releases. During the heyday of the James Bond flicks, there was ALWAYS word of another similar action hero making waves behind the scenes in dark alley comic stores and shops - his name? -
Agent Double Oh Heavens, a swashbuckling, debonnaire, gigolo priest played to perfection by a very virile and abrasive Lorne Greene!

This flick was released in '63 and grossed over $2.3 Million!!!! By far the MOST successful cult comic flick ever!!!

Many attributed the success of the film to its' BLATANT similarities to the Ian Fleming franchise, 007! And truth be told, I too had my doubts and concerns BUT once you sit down, you are taken on a magical ride of devilish Russian spies, evil African drug lords, crafty Colombian kingpins and a RARE and MASTERFUL performance by 23-time Emmy winner, Abe Vigoda as the loving but dangerous ringleader "Artillecus Gossage".

It also didnt hurt that this movie had MANY similarities to the 007 novels and movies. For instance instead of a "Q" character, this flick had a character named "QNuts" played to perfection by late child actor Rodney Allen Rippey. And instead of working for her Majesty's Service, Double OH Heavens worked for the big G-O-D!! Despite many protests and pickets outside the premier at London's Odeon South Woodford theatre, the rabid comic book followers, not to mention a few in heat nuns and not so discreet gay priests, would NOT let anything or ONE stop them.

The vivid love scenes between Lorne and a yet to be discovered Diana Ross, fueled the INCREDIBLE debate and controversy of the film. Nothing and NO ONE had EVER concieved of a priest being a PIMP/Double Agent/Spy but author Tangy von Morgan Glasvryn DARED to push the envelope SOOOO FAR what had EVER been done, he created a TIME warp!!! 34 women reportedly passed out during the shower scene alone.

Most notable from the flick were the famous one liners pioneered in the comic book and brough to life by Greene. Some of those included:
"Hey bitch, even the LORD dont get down like THAT!"
"....hey bro, that aint a Jesus Peace in ya ladies mouth now IS it?"
"Red rover, Red Rover, let my big Moses come over!"
and the UNFORGETTABLE "I'm F*CKIN dying man!"

The first time somebody returns something stolen from you will be the FIRST time

Movie theatres should have headphone jacks like Airplanes so you can BLOCK out all the DAMN talking/ringing/crumpling/sneezin/farting/yelling BS going on..As for FIRE hazards, have a RED light that displays "Git the FUK out, the movie on fire yall!"

Next time you feeling sorry for yourself, think about the loser who's ENVIOUS of what YOU have

Jesus Saves, but WHO assumed it meant HUMANS?

If you aint got ya shit together, stop fretting! Shit accumulates wherever you are bound to go

the Devil may be sneaky but the woman you cheat on is FAR worse and BETTER at it!

That guy you SIMPLY cannot live w/o, lives with MORE than he is letting on

That woman that tells you she wont trip or bug out, is WELL on her way!

Some people are just PLAIN f*ckin evil!

I see married people doing all kind of wrong sh8t and I am the ONE who gets the funny looks because I aint married? How does that work? Take some lessons from the Hunters on how to do it RIGHT beeeyatches! :)

SIck of my truck faltering on my ass but it's too late now, TOO much committed to in the past! Sort of like an abusive relationship eh?

Softball is NOT an addiction I have come to realize BUT a savior in the sense of granting me my serenity and peace of mind!!!!!

Allergies WILL be the death of me one day!

Tattoos on hold put a damper on things!

Since I have two former mates getting married or moving away, WHO'S coming INTO my life to take their places?

If Life is a balance, I wonder if mines is defected

This is NOT a public service announcement - the views ARE from the originator!!

I would rather gauge my eyes than watch 5 mins of "Friends", "Sex in the City", "M*A*S*H", "American Idol/Survivor/etc" or "Real World"

This shall be continued at a later date...

ORLANDO, FLA -
The cartoon and animation world is in complete shock at the moment as
long time repeat offender, Jiminy Crickett was found with 3400 lbs. of
coke and 223 lbs. of hair-ron in a seedy part of Walt Disney World's
community of low-income housing located approx. 87 miles from the park
and hotel center.

Walt Disney spokesman, Jaleel Harmon Jr., repeatedly claimed that Walt
Disney HAD no prior knowledge to the going-ons and whereabouts of the
fallen star. Mr. Harmon, on condition of anomynity, said that "Mr.
Crickett had been warned to stay away from the well-known barricks of
well-off stars such as Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Pluto, and Snow White among others, because
there were complaints of loud noises and screaming coming from Uncle Remus'
trailer on many occasions last summer.

Once questioned about it, Mr. Remus flat out denied any involvement with the ruckus but netherless was still
charged with reckless endangerment and lew behavior for his part of a bar
clearing fight at the Dwarfs' compound in August.

Charges from that incident are still pending due to lack of evidence and sudden
disappearances of key eye-witnesses and reports.

Off camera, Mr Remus gave a sordid tale of mistrust, substance abuse
and candid detailed depictions of how the other cast off characters
lived in near poverty and that prostitution and drugs had taken control
and ran rampant throughout the seedy undergrounds located near Fantasia
Housing Projects (better known as "The Land of Candy KANE and Honey Stains") off of Hwy 95.

Asked to give the name of the ringleader of all of this, Remus stated matter of factly
and bluntly - the muthaf*cka yall lookin fo' is called "Jimilla X" as everyone stared
in disbelief and angst. WHO was "Jamilia X"? and WHY was he SO dangerous and feared?

Well after months of investigating, improper deals, sordid X rated meetings,
illegal phone taps and hidden surveillance, it was none other than Jiminy "Big House:
Crickett (who had changed his name to Jimilla X late in the '60s due
to a brief but violent conversion to Islam).

Crickett, who has denied repeated requests for an interview, was again in trouble and his former
close friends, Pinocchio and Jepeto, stated that they were indeed
worried about the turn of events following Jiminy's release from Rahway
Prison in late 1975 after he stabbed one of the Dwarfs over a bottle of Old Crow.

As many stars from movie, radio, music and sport alike sought out to
help their fallen hero, Jiminy stubbornly refused help and started
his downward spiral into the immoral underbelly of the drug scene
throughout Walt Disney's vast empire.

Yet to be determined though was how Jiminy was able to hide his habits
and dealing behind the backs of some of the same people who helped him
to stardom in the first place.

Asked to comment on the latest charges, Mickey Mouse unleashed a barrage
of explicit, derogatory comments and words towards Mr. Crickett's image on the tube
As you may recall, late last summer, Mr Mouse also punched a AP reporter in the face
for similar questions during last year's Leon Isaac Kennedy - Ivana Trump
wedding party in Paris, Ky.

Scheduled to appear before a judge in the morning, a remorsed looking
Crickett could only muster up this one sentence for the crowd..."Why
they always trying to be keepin a crickett down!"

Walt Disney is scheduled to have a press conference tomorrow morning to
give out even more detail of this shocking tale that has been felt from Africa to Zanzibar.

And THESE up and coming bands are JUST the ones to do it!

1) 33 Grams of Funk
2) Systematic Levels of Jam
3) Flourescent Love Orchestra
4) Ass Yams and Greens
5) I'll Beat You til Yesterday f/ Carlos Applehinney
6) Moody Soul Nickels
7) Harry Pottah and the Wizards of Snare
8) Pyschodiscochunkoffunk
9) Honey AZZ Bass Quadron
10) Chocolate 'Fros of Wonder

1) Hey I have diabetes, I think, and kissing you reminds me of sucking on a rhino's ass covered with jelly so we wouldn't be a good fit, gotta keep my blood sugar low!!
2) My dad said that you have the ass of a goddess and lips that could suck sin from a convict so I think maybe you two should date instead
3) Every year I have suicidal thoughts around Xmas...do you mind if this year YOU had them?
4) I just don't think your mom would like it if I continued to see her behind your back, she's a better woman than that
5) It's been a fun 6 months, Betty but I think I would like to go to sleep until you finally die or leave, whatever comes first

Dish (w/ place of origin and main ingredients)
1) Majungo - Fresno, Sudan
Main Ingredients (meat, ice, dirt, bacon, licorice and baking powder)

2) Haflafela - Haaakabataw'aa, East Tanzania
Main Ingredients (prunes, ham, cherries, deer hooves and M&M plain)

3) Mojo Mudness - New Orleans, 5th Ward, LA
Main Ingredients (Chicken feet, Otis BBQ sauce, fish ass, fudge and pork shank)

4) Skattaway Pie - East Oakland, CA
Main Ingredients (Weed, sugar, cream of cacao, oats and fried now&laters)

5) Xmas Bolo juice - Pooogalllaoanagnaoanaa, America Samoa
Main Ingredients (piss, syrup, mango skins, bee nuts and milk)

6) Possum Foot Stew - Asstwitch, Alabama
Main Ingredients (beaver tails, ox breath, swamp gas, tea and bay leaves)

7) Cinnamon Shankles - Taaahalin, Sweden
Main Ingredients (cinnamon, cigarettes, honey, vicks 44, baking oil and goat cheese)

8) Twerlip Goose Buns - West Berlin, Germany
Main Ingredients (pork bellies, mustard seeds, hay, oats, yeast and beet juice)

9) "Shit I aint EATIN it" - Esther's Orbit Room, West Oakland, CA
Main Ingredients (okra, frog legs, canned kaleseed, hot sauce, fries and carrots)

10) Jangle Jerky - Eastmont Mall, E Oakland. CA
Main Ingredients (beef feet, tongue, potatoes, yams, snickers, colt 45)

"What if the hokie pokie IS what it's ALL ABOUT??"

"Four more years of a nation led by criminals. I was making coffee with one eye on CNN when the news broke, and I called my dad, a man who's spent many years fighting for good things. "Get over it," he said, "The way you feel now is exactly how I felt when Nixon won a second term -- crushed. I couldn't believe America was that stupid. But remember what happened to Nixon that term.

Change comes from discontent," he said. "And right now, there's a lot of discontent."

"sad to say how true that is...that we can not look at humanity as a whole and be filled with pride and joy anymore, but look to solitary instances of aberrant and random acts of grace, kindness and humanity..."

No truer words can be said!

What if I could bless the souls and lives of others that read my EVERY word and post with anticipation that rivals condom week at the Boys and Girls club in East Oakland? What IF I gave upon to thee, the ALL TIME greatest office/workplace feats KNOWN to mankind?

This is NO Longer a "WHAT IF" as I have scoured the depths of my brain and research books to accumulate what I feel are the FIVE GREATEST achievements/feats/records EVER assembled by one man/woman!

ENJOY and let us BEGIN!

1) Longest stretch without talking to another work/group coworker:
Salvadore Billececilli (Brooklyn, NY; Archies' Hoagie and Tire shop, 1988)
- 23 months, 3 weeks, 12 days and 9 hours
It was said that Mr Billececilli became violently ill after a company party and remained soiled and stained despite valiant efforts to resucitate him. He died 23 minutes later saying these last words to his isolated coworkers: "Damn you BITCHES!"

2) Most times EVER saying/expressing a meaningless buzzword phrase over a course of a work week (Mon-Fri):
Franklin "Memorex" Ajaba (East St Louis, MO; Radio Shack, 1995)
- 15423
Mr Ajaba better known as "Memorex" once uttered the phrase "Take yo BEST SHOT!" an incredible 15423 times to his coworkers and customers while going through a fixation with the movie "Rocky XXI" while installing radios at Radio Shack back in the summer of 1995. Tragically "Memorex" was gun down when after a robbery attempt went awry, he only could mutter "Take yo best shot" when confronted with the question of where the safe was! He is now immortalized by a 2 ft copper statue on top of the cash register in his honor.

3) Most company treats/desserts ever consumed in one setting/meeting/party::
Bassimel Hassid Walker (Cleveland, OH; IBM Call center, 1977)
- 76 cookies, pieces of cake and assorted Middle eastern pastries
Bassimel Walker, AKA "The Human Toilet", was considered by most office historians as one of, if NOT THE, WORST violator of office decorum and grace for food EVER born in the U.S!!!! On a winter day on Xmas Eve, Bassie set out to consume EVERY single piece of pastry he could get his size 23 hands on in a span of 3 hours at the annual Xmas party/dinner dance. Not only did he leave only a handful of snacks for everyone else BUT he also vomited with ill force into the Mutton dish ruining dinner for everyone including the hired band for the night, the Ohio Players who proceeded to beat Bassie with amp wire until he was subdued and unconscious! A near riot followed when it was learned that Bassie was under strict Management order to CONSUME every dish so that the company heads could leave early and save money!

Bassie is retired now but still lives in the Cleveland area and runs a 24 hr call girl/bakery from an undisclosed location.

4) Most disgusting coworker EVER employed for longer than 2 weeks:
Goachie Hammonds (Brunswick, NJ; Dominic's Pizza Pub, 1984)
- This man, simply known as "Shit" to his coworkers and family and friend, was SO disgusting and vile, he was once removed from a public restroom because he purposely kept shitting OUTSIDE the stalls in order to *mark* his territory. NO one quite knew WHY he was so repulsive, but legend has it that when he was 11 yrs old, a bunch of ruffians from his old neighborhood beat him with a stick covered in cat shit and licorice and made him eat it in front of his 7th grade sweetheart! This unfortunate even eventually led to acts TOO unspeakable to mention on this list. BUT to name a few -
a) ate his way through a living cow just because he wanted fresh milk and steak
b) peed on his hands when the water drought of '79 cut off water supplies to the city and then went about shaking everyone's hand at the local pub
c) once wore plastic pants with soiled remains in them for 2 MONTHS to work and ADAMENT that it was his fellow coworker Franklin Jackson's socks were the culprit which in turn got Jackson fired and put in prison for 3 years
d) soaked bags of phlegm in vinegar and Captain Jack's BBQ sauce and proceeded to give them out for treats on Halloween.
Needless to say, this man was what legend and lore were made of! When he died from ass poisoning at the ripe age of 35, he was so dirty and covered with food that he was mistakenly hoisted as a pinata at his wake.

5) Worse Racial mistake EVER made that resulted in bodily violation and/or death :
Scooter Briggenbothem (Harvard, MA; Crimson and Cream Soda shop, 1991)
- On a foggy Labor day weekend, Scooter and his pals were on a innocent picnic with some gal pals down at Lake Botswana. Since he was a little boy, Scooter had a seriously pronunciation problem saying ANY words that started with "D"..Throughout his childhood, he never really had a serious problem with it, people just took it for granted and let it be and cut him slack. BUT on this dreadful day, it JUST so happened that Notre Dame was in town playing UMASS down the highway and they were led by their Legendary coach Digger Phelps. Needless to say, a UNFORGETTABLE moment happened as the two parties met up at Scooter's place of employment. Unbeknownst to Scooter at the time was that a former player for Notre Dame, Clarence "The KNIFE" Jenkins (he got his nickname because his punch would puncture any surface resulting in immediate death or internal bleeding) was working there for while on probation for killing a large boar with his hands and a butterknife back in his hometown of Chitlin Swith, Mississippi! Once Clarence saw his old Coach, he was THRILLED to say the least!!! Scooter being an avid fan himself was ALSO very thrilled and proceeded to walk up to the Hall of Fame coach and introduce himself! As Scooter's friends gathered, he introduced them ALL to the Coach by saying "Hey this here is Digger, and he will get his ass kicked tonight by our team!!".

Not knowing Scooter's childhood issue with pronouncing the letter 'D', the coach's name came out ALL wrong with SAVAGE consequences and once Clarence the Knife heard this, he proceeded to sodomized a helpless and petrified Scooter repeatedly on the counter to the shock of ALL!!! As patrons ran with disgust and horror and shock, a remorsed Clarence proclaimed that he was sorry and that he would not have forceful anal sex with young men again!

Mr Knife is currently serving 23 yrs in Attica, NY and has wrote two books from his ordeal -
"Why was the coach named Digger?" and
"Why wasn the coach NOT named Frank?"

Both are best sellers on the NY Times list for nonfiction.

And what better way to do this than with bumper stickers!!! Millions and Billions of people EACH day see your car/vehicle and this is the PERFECT way to spread some love and cheer w/o being accused of *things* like Mr Bryant just avoided!

So let us begin! Proceeds will benefit the March of Rhymes MC Foundation, Brothas Against Drunk Ass Senior Senators (BADASS), NIKEE, Ballon Monument Restoration Fund League and WB/UPN networks..

"Hey is that LOVE driving that SUV or YOU?"
"If the van is a rockin', please make sure Jesus is knockin'!!"
"One is for You, Two is for Me, Three is for HIM, and Four is for GOD"
"If it hurts to love, then maybe the Herpes man has come for a visit!"
"If you see a pal crying in the shower, go over and give him a big SQUEEZE, He needs it!"
"Moses never struck his wife with an open hand, why should YOU?"
"Put the gun down and pick UP the book of Jobe"
"Don't worry about how we are perceived in God's eyes, because he's not human - he doesn' have EYES"
"Lift your bosom to your fellow man's brow, he needs the shade and comfort"
"GOD - the BADDEST dude around man!"
"Visit your local jail/prison and find yourself surrounded by love!"
"1-2-3, the Pope loves ME"
"That bubbling feeling in your belly below is not acid reflux, it's LOVE comin to get ya!"
"Tinkle Tinkle, let us play with our OWN Winkle"
"Dont be mad if you get fired, the person replacing you now has means to provide for HIS family"
"Infidelity got YOU down? Call on Jesus, and he shall set up with a nice massage"
"Whenever the DEVIL has his hands on you, gently take off your sweater and give it to him, he's cold and alone"
"The Best day of your life starts with a simple call to HIM. You know HIM, you have HEARD of HIM, but have you talked to HIM? Call NOW"
"When's the last time you hugged a Negro, or a Hispanic or an Oriental? Do it NOW, they will thank you with warm ethnic foods"
"If GOD is coming, you bests get the bed made"
"Men can't have babies, but that doesn't mean you can't go spread your seed to many many women. Help get a woman pregnant and lift her life up"
"Hey the reason that woman is crying is because she wants you to bring another woman home to keep her company. Listen to your mate and make your home happier"

So from NOW on, if someone ask me if I am loosing weight, I shall respond with an assortment of colorful phrases with language to match! Some are listed below:

Person: "Hey did you lose some weight or are you losing weight?"
Me:
- "yep, but hey what can you do when the AIDS is on yo azzzz?"
- "No, I think your eyes and face got fatter"
- "I don't know, why don't you weigh my D*CK in your hand and tell ME"
- "Yep sure did! This new Herpes diet is KICK-ASS"
- "No I didn't but penis is still HEAVY as hell"
- "Nope, the odor from shitting on myself impairs visibility to others"
- "I can't tell standing next to your bulbous head"
- "yes I did, ever since I change to higher grade crack"
- "Oh shit, is it noticeable? because my boyfriend HATES my sharp pelvic bone"
- "Only if you look at me from between my legs"
- "Yeah I am, I have an addiction to shitting"
- "Not really, but hey come here and let me slap the shit out of you for fun!"
- "I can't tell, but hey did YOU lose an ass or some breasts?"
- "WOW, I think so but it's hard to tell when you are high on hop, feel me?"
- "Hmm maybe...I started to drink a cup of "Hey shut the f*ck up and exercise YOURSELF" every morning