25 Uninteresting things about me

1. My real name is Ian. Ian Alexander Groovesoul Hunter. Ok the Groovesoul part is wishful thinking. Can't you bastards just let me have that?2. I have had a gun held to my head, was pistol whipped and had my hair pulled by a group of Guatemalan bandits when I was 7 years old. 3. Pamela Anderson has touched me. 4. I have been in a plane that has been struck by lightening. Twice. 5. When I was living in Hong Kong I had a total crush on a girl who was on my school bus. One day I got the courage up to talk to her but instead I puked all over her. It went something like "Hey...uhh....I....uhh was wondering if....uhh...you wouBLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADJHJSAHJDJHASJDHSAJDHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARHRHRGHHHHHHH!.......*splutter*.......sorry." We're still friends. 6. I once threw a water balloon at my best friend's grandmother. It was revenge for him peeing in my toy box. That's what is commonly referred to as "gangsta." 7. I have an abnormal obsession with punctuality. I cannot STAND being late for anything. I often show up to parties, meetings, events, etc far too early and it stresses me out beyond belief if I'm running late. 8. Instead of taking a substantial detour around a massive dirt pile that was blocking the road to my house, I reversed the car about 50 ft, threw it into drive and floored it, not knowing that the other side of the pile was at about a 65 degree angle. As we hit the ground with the nose of my car my brother, who was in the passenger seat, said "Oh..(ow)...that's not good." Yeah, I fucked up my car pretty badly....but it was totally worth it because, for one glorious moment, we were Bo and Luke Duke in the General Lee. 9. When I was about 6 years old I was pushing the performance envelope on my Big Wheel brand novelty fun tricycle, flipped it and landed on the back of my head. The next morning I was paralyzed from the neck down and had to have months of physical therapy to correct it. Also, I slept on the top bunk and I was too heavy for my mom to lift out of bed (my dad had gone to work) so our neighbor had to lift me down. As a result, I can see through time. Ok that last part is made up but the rest is true. 10. I played American Football in college....in rural England. If you're wondering, I played Tight End, Linebacker and Quarterback. We were a terrible, terrible team but I made some lifelong friends during my playing days. http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3083/2727037531_0534f47d46_o.jpg 11. For 7 months in 1999, I ate Hot Pockets every day for lunch while watching Jerry Springer (when it was still an underground production funded by Jerry's failed mayoral campaigns), worked at a sporting goods store and lived in a trailer parked in a friend's back yard. Amazingly, chicks were clawing at my door. And they say the American dream is dead. 12. For over 10 years I had absolutely crippling claustrophobia to the point where I would walk up 20 flights of stairs instead of taking the elevator. Mercifully I am totally over that now. 13. I have never seen an episode of 24, The West Wing, the Sopranos, Lost, or Heroes. It's not that I don't want to, they just seem to pass me by. 14. I have an alarmingly broad knowledge of the Simpsons. It's not part of my memory anymore, it's now firmly engrained in my core reflexes like breathing and digestion. I'm at peace with that. 15. I had 15 hours piloting light aircraft under my belt before I ever sat behind the wheel of a car. I guess it's no surprise that... 16. ...I can't drive a stick shift. 17. When I was younger I had abnormally large lung capacity to the point where I could blow the needle to the end of the peak flow test tube. The doctor made me do it three times because he'd never seen it before. I could hold my breath for well over a minute. For weeks after, my friend Lawrence referred to me parenthetically as "The Boy Wonder." 18. When I was about 5 I used to beat my brother up mercilessly. My arsenal was broad and varied, but my weapon of choice was biting. One summer, my grandmother saw me bite my brother....so she bit me back. I never bit him again. My grandmother is awesome. 19. The biggest personal triumph in my life has been defeating my fear of flying. I didn't travel for years and I have been removed sobbing from airplanes moment before they took off. Last year, I flew almost 100,000 miles without any form of physical restraint or veterinary-grade sedation. HELL YEAH! 20. I dislocated my jaw after an illegal hit during a football game. For 6 months afterward my jaw would come out of place when I slept in certain positions and I would drool like a St. Bernard. 21. I drove from Tracy, California to Chicago (2,119 miles) in 34 hours. I don't recommend it. 22. When I was 17 and working at a crap sporting goods store, I managed to get a date by explaining why people can crack their knuckles to the girl's mom. She was so impressed that she gave me her daughter's number and demanded we go out for dinner with the mom paying. Shame she was a total nut job and spent the entire dinner building intricate pyramids with the condiments and sugar packets while demanding that her steak be prepared "over easy." 23. In 2006 I lost 32lbs in 10 weeks. Cocaine's a hell of a drug. KIDDING! I was on a clinical trial for a weight management program. 24. Many jobs ago, a colleague sent out this email to our dev team asking for advice: "I am currently getting a java.lang.AbstractMethodError when trying to use scrollable ResultSets. Any information you can provide to resolve this would be appreciated." My buddy Noel and I, with our frighteningly superior intellects, felt obligated to help, so we replied- Me first: "I'm pretty sure if he parses the geveltefish into the linear actuator, the compound herpes limitations will override any interference by the cranial inversion, right?" then Noel chimes in: "Maybe but you may have to watch the Vibal Translocitor..if that gets over 120 DEGREES, WHOA BOY!!! HA!!! LOL!!! That is humorous stuff there, you thinkin the linear actuator can be parsed!!!" but I think he's wrong: "Yeah but the Vaibhav Translocitor was phased out in release 2.1.s.a remember?! You can't use it anymore, you have to use Applied Funkadelic's Inbound Transmogrifier (John Denver edition) or else you'll never get past the rectal transgression phase!" ...and I was right: "Silly ME!!!! It must have been that Old Crow I drank at lunch!! MY bad!!!" People stopped asking us for input after that. 25. I have the hottest, smartest wife in the world. I'm not entirely sure I managed it but....score! Seriously, have you seen this girl? God damn.