10 Things I'll Never Learn to Appreciate

Try as I might, I will always hate I don't think I'll ever be able to appreciate the following 10 things:

  1. Cruises
  2. Wienerschnitzel
  3. X-Factor/Pop Idol/ Somewhere's got Talent
  4. Disneyland/Disneyworld
  5. MMORPGs
  6. Real Ale
  7. Louis Theroux
  8. Steampunk
  9. High fashion
  10. Failure
  11. Bonus 11th - Music in Offices

Garbage Pail Nostalgia

On our recent brief trip to Phoenix (look for a post on that later), we went to a mall in Chandler to get out of the heat and look for some shorts for me. In the food court of the mall, they were having a small baseball card/comic/collectibles show, with various vendors set up with folding tables, displaying their wares. I used to collect baseball cards when I was a kid, so I was mildly interested but didn't break stride as we walked by the various displays. But then....I spotted something. On a table manned by a yellow-toothed, trucker cap wearing, baseball card "aficionado" were three boxes of original, series 3.....Garbage Pail Kids. Now Garbage Pail Kids were a staple of my youth. I collected them and traded them with the voracity of a frenzied llama. My brother and I would compare collections and see who had the weirdest/best/rarest etc. We even forced our dad to videotape us discussing the merits of our collections.So imagine my delight when I saw the classic GPK wrapper staring back at me. Deanne knew what she was in for when I was heard to exclaim "oooooooo Garbage Pail Kids, remember these?!?" I immediately picked up one of the packets and looked at the back - Copyright Topps 1986. 1986, I was 7 years old. The stallkeep piped up "two fer two dollars, six fer ten, and the whole box fer sixty five." I squealed in delight. "I'll be back, I need to get some cash." So I went off and found an ATM and withdrew the requisite amount of cash. Before I could turn around back towards my childhood, Deanne said "Oh look, this place has shorts," in a desparate attempt to distract me from my purchase. So we tramped around looking at shorts and shirts and various other....crap. But I knew that we would have to pass by the Garbage Pail Kids on the way out of the mall, so I sallied forth. Eventually, we drew nearer and I fumbled in my pocket for the $20 bills I had withdrawn earlier. "How many are you going to get?" inquired my wife. "10," I said. "10?! What are you going to do with 10 packs of Garbage Pail Kids, frame them?!?" she asked, knowing her husband all too well. Frame them...that's not a bad idea - and I think she knew I was thinking that because she immediately said "Don't even think about it." We eventually agreed on 5 packs but I got 6 due to the stallkeep's generosity. I pocketed the wax packs and went on my way. As soon as we got home I tore open one of the packets. The smell was what hit me first, you don't forget that smell. It was a combination of cardboard, wax packaging and gum. Ahh the gum, I pulled out the 20 year old piece of gum and examined it. After all these years it was still hard enough to shatter into lethal shards that could cut through frozen vegetables. Good times. I started sifting through the cards and immediately recognized all the faces I saw - Karate Kate, Target Margaret, Fowl Raoul, they were all there. As I pulled open the remaining packets, I was greeted by all the old characters. I had forgotten about the goodies they have on the back of each card - the puzzle pieces, the wanted posters, the checklists. I suddenly have the desire to become a Garbage Pail Kids "afficionado."

Fun With Shek Kip Mei

mtranagramthumb.gif There's a fun little meme doing the rounds where people take transit maps and make anagrams of the station names. Well no one had done my beloved Hong Kong and its wonderful MTR system, so I took the liberty. It was a fun process. Some of my favorite place names include:- An Elder Dr's Sin Toy - Nun Sweat - Anal Adult Sin - A Wooly Knob - Dirty Lama Check it out! Update: My map was featured on BoingBoing!

Best. Spam. Ever.

I couldn't make this up if I tried. The following is an email I received last night:Any pocket can conquer pig pen around, but it takes a real somnambulist to widow near. Unlike so many girls who have made their treacherous cab driver to us. Most impresarios believe that hydrogen atom around turn signal operate a small fruit stand with related to microscope. I liken it to a combination of Mad Libs and deranged Dr. Seuss. There was no attachment or sales pitch, just those beautiful prose, trying to see what they could get by the Baeysian filter.

Is that a pig flying past my window?

I'd like to relay to you, dear reader, an experience I had that I'm quite sure signals the apocalypse.Recently the power cord on my laptop began to deteriorate. The connection twixt cable and computer became increasingly unreliable. This all culminated in a dazzling display of blue sparks that lead to my deciding that yes, it's time for a new power supply. So Deanne and I saddled up the wagon and made haste towards the mecca of microchips - Fry's. Now as many of your know, Fry's has quite a reputation in these parts. Terrible service, terrible product quality, clueless staff and cavernous stores. It is common knowledge that one will not find anyone to help with one's request. You must only go to Fry's if you know exactly what you need and exactly where to find it. Armed with this knowledge, we arrived at Fry's. This is where the weirdness began. Firstly, we found a parking spot quickly and easily. This has never happened before on a weekend. In fact, Mike and I had to park on the dirt under a pylon once. Chalking that one up to good luck, we ventured inside. Within 1 minute of entering the store, not one but TWO sales staff asked us if we needed any help finding anything or if we had any questions. I immediately slapped them on the forehead and screamed "DEMON'S OUT!" - but they were not possesed...they were actually helpful. I began to shiver. We moved towards the laptop power supplies. The strangeness continued. I was able to quickly and easily find what I was looking for. It was right in front of me, in the right place, hanging on the right display. I picked it up to ensure it was real and not some sort of hologramatic projection. It was real. Ahh, I thought, here's the ruse, I'm sure it's not compatible with my laptop. But the salesmen confirmed quickly and effortlessly that it was in fact compatible. What's this? A knowledgable and helpful salesperson? I felt a tinge of panic. As I wiped the cold sweat from my brow, I had a thought. Ah ha! The price! The device I need will be so ridiculously overpriced it will render all the positives moot. Alas. No. It was reasonably priced. It was becoming clear. End game. This had only happened once before, but never in this order, and never with this consistency. And there was one final test. The checkout. We headed towards the wall of flashing lights...not a soul anywhere. Where were the lines, where were the pushing crowds, where was the opportunity to peruse the useless but somehow engaging little gadgets they have in the checkout line? They were all gone. I was at the checkout clerk before I could say "I need to return this motherboard, it doesn't work." The checkout clerk (a white male....yes...a white male) helped me quickly and easily. He did not need 9 forms of ID, he did not need the supervisor to validate my credit card, he did not need a semen sample and he did not mess up the pricing. We gathered up our newly purchased items and walked deliriously towards the exit. I had a succesful and enjoyable shopping experience at Fry's. The end of the world must be near.

Internet Jackass Day

Waxy has a good running list of the April Fool's day pranks and general tomfoolery. Including Google's Lunar Base, the EFF acquiring the DOJ, TechTV purchased by Playboy, and of course ThinkGeek's annual "new" products like a PC Ez-bake oven, and a Caffeine patch.Then there's Google's gmail - Google's supposed foray into webmail. No one is 100% sure about this one. Is it a joke? If it is, good one. If not...Yahoo and Hotmail are in big trouble. Oh and here's ebay's lame attempt, as featured on their homepage: ebay.gif

4000?! That's Ludacris!

cribs_adventures-L-11.jpg I've started watching Cribs on MTV, not because it's a particularly good show or anything but because it inspires me. How? Because I look at all these dumbasses who can get these homes, and I think to myself "If they can do it, I can do it."Anyway, I was watching it this evening and it was a special "Cribs Adventures" show where they followed these pseudo-celebrities on vacation. I took particular interest in this episode because Ludacris went to Cape Town. They showed him doing the usual tourist things, going up Table Mountain, the beach etc. But one scene showed him stopping to buy a carved statue from one of the roadside stalls. The narrator said he "dropped 4 G's on it" HA! Four G's!! He got skanked! Ok if it was 4000 US Dollars, the man needs to be slapped to death by midgets. You can get those things for about $80. Even if it was 4000 South African Rand, that's still over $600 - he still needs to be slapped by slightly less agressive midgets. See he made a HUGE mistake, he went up the guy and pulled out a wad of American bills (like a fistful of $100 bills) and asked how much it was. Fool! When people asked me how South Africa was, I always said "the people are all smiles, but they will f*ck you over in a heartbeat." Ludacris....you got F*CKED over. Now, I could conclude the story there, but that wouldn't be fair. After that embarassing sequence, he went to one of the shanty towns in Cape Town and spent the day there talking to the kids, going to a youth center, listening to a talk on AIDS. I have to admit he showed a lot of insight and appreciation of the situation, and talked eloquently about his impressions. At the end of it, he made a sizeable donation to the center. Good on him. Anyway, looks like he made two "donations" to South African society, but I think he was only aware of one.

...and the oscar goes to.

Noel and I have decided to write, produce, direct and star in our own Blaxploitation movie called "The Adventures of Peabody Jones, Country Pimp." We've come up with some initial character names:Moses Mayberry Willie Buttery Billy Jones Aintie Ezra Mae Watts Reverend Evander Soul Commander Peebo Flytower Sir Smoove B Fresh Mr Dantannerific Sista Soul Jeans Armando Sweetness Isaac Hightop Mayes Fennister C. Groovesoul Lil Milton Mabeline McFadden "Fly" Hammonds Fatima "SugaLip" Jones Johnny Afrika

Where does he come up with this...

An excerpt from my family's xmas letter, regarding my brother Andrew's upcoming plans:"It is an exciting time for Andrew and the New Year holds a number of challenges and opportunities for him. He hopes to divide his time in years to come between Ice fishing and raising barns for small, nocturnal Amish communities. In April he travels to southern Italy where he will teach ancient Aramaic to shopkeepers and develop time travel theories. Andrew

In the jungle...

hippo2.jpg My dad sent me this in an email, it's classic. After some research I found it's part of a series of animations done for French television. It features Pat (The Hippo) & Stanley (The dog) doing their version of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." Even though it seems like it cuts off at the end, that really is all there is; the creator, Pierre Coffin, claimed that his company was put on another project before they had a chance to finish.Anyway, very amusing nonetheless. File is a little under 5MB and requires sound...obviously WARNING: PLEASE DO NOT LINK TO THIS FILE, DOWNLOAD IT TO YOUR OWN SERVER - I CAN'T HANDLE ALL THE TRAFFIC. You can download the file here: http://www.haebc.com/Lion_seul.mpg

Victory is mine!

I am triumphant once again!We have a weekly caption contest at work and for the longest time, I would win at least a couple times a month. But recently, I just couldn't produce the goods. However, today was different. I WON! Yeah, I was "inspired" by another "source" but who cares. Behold my winning entry in all it's glory! sumo.jpg "Oh my God, that guy's going to eat that little Japanese boy!" "That's crazy!....He's just going to be hungry again in an hour."